Social Engineer Santa

As a child, I thought that anyone who believed in Santa Clause was either putting on a big show, or was very very stupid. I was never quite sure which it was, though I could make good guesses about it with certain people. Unfortunately, I found out that most of the cases involved the people being very very stupid. This was verified by the fact that our visit would be followed by an angry phone call to our parents.

I don't specifically recall being told that Santa was not real, but I never had trouble validating my convictions that Santa was indeed a fictional being. It always seemed so black and white and elemental that I didn't understand where the confusion came in. I always went through a step by step breakdown of facts, and proceeded to shatter their small and narrow thought zone with brutal stingingly cold truth.

First of all, there is no such thing as "magic". "Magic" is supposedly the force that cannot be seen, heard, smelled, or touched except by the effects of it, in much the same was as energy as we know it exists. It also cannot be handled by any being which is not "magic" itself. And magic is the basis of all that Santa operates on, therefore everything from here on is automatically disproven by default, but we shall continue.

Second, there are no such beings as "elves". Midgets, yes. Little people, yes. Dwarves, yes. Elves, no. "Elves" thrive on magic, and, as was just stated, magic does not exist. Also pointy shoes, pointy hats, and green outfits hardly seem appropriate attire for the North Pole climate.

Third, reindeer cannot fly. I doubt that they could even if magic was real. They just aren't built for it, what with the antlers and hooves and all. They scream of aerodynamic inefficiency.

Fourth, the trip around the earth to every house. This is always the main point cited, but I will review anyway without getting into any major details. The laws of physics as developed by Einstein states that an object may approach, but not breach, the speed of light. Due to inertia, Santa obviously cannot be traveling at the speed of light the entire trip, plus the fact that he must actually stop at houses. He must accelerate to speed and decelerate to a stop for each house, which no doubt takes time. Do this for every house, and time adds up.

Which led me to my fifth argument, The stop. According to geometry, it is impossible to fit your typical fat man down a typical chimney. This is assuming that you have a chimney, which is not nearly the case these days. Indeed, it would be difficult to fit a skinny man down a chimney. Then you have the gift factor. They need to fit down the chimney along with a fat guy somehow. And this is to say nothing of getting back up onto the roof.

Sixth, why would a guy who pleads complete anonymity dress in red and put bells all over his transportation?

Seventh, why is the world not covered in reindeer turds on Christmas morning? Considering the amount of energy in the form of food that they must consume in order to fly at the speed of light, you would think that waste energy would be everywhere.

Thus we begin the psychological reasoning.

Eighth, What sort of sickness possesses a man to work every day, all day, no vacations, no exceptions, and still remain jolly all year long? A sane man would most certainly not act in such manner.

Ninth, what sort of social engineering mastermind pervert can convince millions of little children to write letters to him? Even worse, what kind of sick person actually sneaks into their house at night and eats their cookies and milk?
Two words: Mentally Disturbed.

Tenth, how could one man single handedly overthrow a race of little people, force them into oppressive slave labor under the guise supreme magical being, move them all to the North pole with huge infrastructure and logistical support, and keep the whole operation a secret to the public, yet at the same time, remain a huge public icon? (I know, it sounds a bit like Clinton, but not really. Gore was the magical one, having created the internet and all. Therefore, there is a major discrepancy)

After going through most of this with other children, they usually turned pale. I think that what I learned from that is that people enjoy being stupid. They don't want to know the truth. They would rather dwell in their own little fuzzy world of theirs. I guess being stupid is easier than being smart. It is also simpler. But I don't want to get into a discussion with myself here. It is Christmas Eve's Eve, after all.

I hope I made at least one little kid cry this Christmas. If not, I'll have to hold a mock execution of elmo in front of the daycare center up the street tomorrow.